3 Things I Love About Being Eritrean
This entry could have just as easily been called " 3 Things I love about being Human" or, "3 Things I love about being an African" but since being human is mediated very generally by time, space and communication, I thought that being specific is the only way to post this entry and make sense -what do I love about being an Eritrean? Now this is not merely patriotic manifesto or nationalism boiling inside of me, although I can't say I'm immune to such base emotions.
I'm human, all too human, so read on...
1. Tempered Pride
Eritreans are full of pride but it is tempered in the sense that the people have a deep love for God. The way I'm talking about pride here is not in the sense of being nationalistic only, but also in the tendency Eritreans have to believe that life on earth is temporary, and spirituality is the only way to find true meaning.
2. Tacticians
Due to our uncoveted stature in the world economy, most Eritreans are tactical about almost everything they do. You could ask a pretty simple question and everyone philosophizes about how to answer, thinking instead, "What does she want from me", "Who is her father", "What is the implication of responding this way instead of the other." I think it might be the paranoia of having endured decades of Italian and Ethiopian colonialism. Of having been second class citizens on our own land. What being tactical means is essentially the art of evading the question or the deed before seeing how it can benefit our own situation. This can be called the self-interest principle, referred to ad nauseum in academic theories in almost every discipline, but Eritreans have a gift, I believe, for subverting the intent of self-interest and making it seem like a communal interest at stake. We are always aware of how ugly the expression of self-interest is when revealed bare so there are a plethora of euphimisms used to disguise what we really mean. Some ways of disguising are referring to an imagined "we". For example:
Q: Do you have enough money for the month?
A: We are always fine, thanks to God.
The real answer could be that the person just got a full-time job, has no money, or just won the lottery. And you would never know.
The thing about our tactical ways is that they are deeply rooted so that even a close family member may not exactly understand what you mean since your answer is sufficiently general so as not to burden them with your problems.
Being tactical is closely related to having a tempered sense of pride in oneself and ones ability to
live well despite all difficult circumstances.
3. Empathy
Let me relay a story here to explain.
One day my mother and I were out doing some errands and, having left home in the morning, did not get the chance to eat during the day. We had one last thing to do and that was to go to my mother's friend's place to drop something off. By this time it was close to 8 pm and we were very hungry.
So we step into the traditional Eritrean home, ordained with pictures of Asmara, photos of the children during their awkward years with buckteeth and funny hair-do's and the smell of freshly brewed coffee.
My mother's friend is a single-parent with 3 children in the teen years and on child under 13. After some initial conversation my friend's mother offered us dinner. And I thought "Yes, I'm so hungry" but, knowing it would be rude to respond until my mother said something, I waited for her to answer. I knew that my mother would never say "Yes, we are very hungry, thank you for offering" but I expected her to say something like "Oh, that's okay, we're about to go home, we can eat there..." so that her friend would push more to offer food, putting us in the position of having to offer so that we don't feel rude.
Instead, my mother said "No, we're not hungry, thank you". I hope I didn't betray my emotions with a quizzical look on my face but I was seriously confused. I wanted to scream, "YES WE ARE STARVING RIGHT NOW AND WE COULD PROBABLY EAT YOUR CEREAL THAT I SEE CLEARLY ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE IF THERE IS ANY LEFT IN THE BOX. "
But, instead, I sat there and nodded in agreement with my mom.
The lady said politely "Ok, then..." and after a few more minutes of conversation, we left.
In the car I asked my mother after a few minutes (trying not to seem to eager and disappointed) about why she said that we weren't hungry even though we really were. This is a friend of hers, and we have eaten there many times, so I didn't understand the need to lie. My mother just said to me briefly that if the friend really had something prepared to give us she would have offered in a way that we couldn't say no. She said that her friend might not have enough food and since she had four children, might only have enough for them that day.
She went on to say that when someone really wants you to eat in our culture, they go into the kitchen and prepare it before asking you. That way you can't say no because they are already preparing it, and it means they really want you to eat.
I have seen my mom perform this, preparing food unasked and bringing it out to unsuspecting guests, but I just thought that was mostly her choice, not necessarily a cultural norm. But there are strong cultural norms around giving and receiving and they all involve empathy: understanding the other's situation and balancing it with their life obligations to family.
I really love this story because it shows how subtle culture really is. Culture is not a country or a national anthem, ritual at weddings. Culture is an inflection in a voice, a way to accept or reject offerings, a way to tell another you understand them without saying it in so many words. We have many cultural signs as Eritreans that allow you to state what you mean without actually stating what you mean, all to maintain the blanket of friendship. (But of course this has its downside because cultural inclusion is based on the degree to which people understand and comply with these norms, and cultural exclusion is the consequence if you don't...making you the butt of jokes for years to come in the best scenario and ostracized completely from community in the worst scenario.)
posted by Helenism at 5:47 p.m.
11 Comments:
My eritrean friend freweni has always expressed these same emotions. Now i know it is a communual thing. I
Thanks for your comment.
Yeah I think there are recognizable cultural traits between regions in Africa too; for example, East Africans are said to be more subtle than our Western, more direct, counterparts. I am always scared of generalizing too much but there are aspects of culture that are too pervasive to ignore...
Eritreans have a gift, I believe, for subverting the intent of self-interest and making it seem like a communal interest at stake ...
unfortunately my people are too blunt lol! the thought process is the same. realtime analysis of every question, seamless.
hey almost forgot. happy new year.
lol @ "realtime analysis" that was funny. its true though. can't ask black people and expect an excited answer, its more quizzical, like why do you want to know?
I'm like brotha, I just asked you for the TIME!
I am always perplexed when my North African friends/ acquaintances realize how many cultural similarities exist betwen them and myself - all the mannerisms and customs you described is daily ritual for me and my family. We also don't say we're hungry, and we also refuse food unless it's actually pushed on us. This made me "very hungry" at my Anglo Canadian friends' homes growing up, who only asked you once if you wanted to eat something!! I am a White Canadian, born of parents from Southern Europe. My parents have lived in Canada for almost 40 years, and I, my entire life. And yet, we, and all my friends from similar backgrounds, still behave in the way you described in your blog. I wish that people explored one another's seemingly different cultures' similarities more thoroughly - it might contribute to a lot less isolationsim.
Hi there...I don't think its necessarily isolationism, I mean, it could be argued that there is a great deal of cultural convergence between the Southern Europeans (I don't know where your parents are from exactly) i.e. Sicily. Sicilians have more in common with other Mediterraneans like the Maltese than they do with Northern Italians...
I know that what you are saying is ultimately legit: people are not as different as we like to think. On a philosophical level that is probably true, but what about our daily practices? These are all culturally defined. Cultures can exist within regions, across regions, they can be imagined or obvious. To me there are a few things that I would feel more comfortable saying are 'African' than 'North American' - bearing in mind, of course, the danger that generalizations bring.
But, on a less, argumentative note :), you are right, and I am surprised, at times, the similarities between seemingly drastically different cultures.
It is a great thing to see these similarities but also sad that so much hinges on the faulty and precarious notion of 'culture'.
Hey, I love it when you're "argumentative" - don't apologize for it!:-) My parents are Italian, mid-to-Southern region --not anywhere as south as Sicily. But I guess the point I was trying to make is that despite culture, race and religion, a lot of people around the world share some incredibly similar rituals. It might have to do with groups of people who come from a long line of communal/tribal living, where these rituals were necessary ...
...to maintain harmony - a sort of "social lubricant", if you will. Of course for some, the rituals remain only that, whereas for others (as in you & your mom's case), the rituals are more than superficial, and actually are motivated by, or perhaps engender, a deep feeling of empathy. That is, in your case, the woman really would have been put out to provide you and your mom food. But in my case, growing up in Canada, where food was plentiful at my relatives' homes, we still engaged in that "ritual dance" - not out of empathy but out of some sense of "politeness" and perhaps out of some loyalty to a past tradition.
...and the funny thing is, we're not exactly sure if my mom's 'hypothesis' was correct. I mean, maybe her friend did have food but didn't want to fix it, or maybe she herself has given up on cultural rituals such as cooking before asked and just took my mother's No as a No. It's all very subjective. Anthropologists have been trying to streamline these observations for decades but still I'm usually unhappy with some tentative observations they make about gift giving/receiving within and across cultures. They seem too tentative, or too one-sided, to be correct. But I guess research isn't always about correctness.
Thanks for commenting.
Although there are a lot of cultures that might share parts of being an Eritrean, it is truly an unique culture. There is a tempered resiliency it is hard to explain, and can only be felt. As with anything good, there is a counterbalance. The issue that I sometimes have is lack of honesty; which is woven into your axiom of tactician.
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