november funeral

I wrote this stream of consciousness before going to a november funeral. I was too emotional that day to post it and it felt quite trite at the time. But in light of the imminent situation in the Horn region, I feel more comfortable doing this now.
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today am going to a funeral, and it's been a sort of day of atonement for me here.
i avoided doing any serious thinking about school matters because i would get caught up and preoccupied with deadlines that, in light of today's circumstances, don't seem all too important anymore. I also don't want to think of a funeral as an obligation or a distraction, people's lives have just completely turned upside down, and I can't use up one afternoon to reflect?

i feel so sad for the family to have to lose a valued, irreplaceable member. life is so long compared to the immediacy of death. i always felt that losing a family member early in life makes people a little fearless. i mean, after death what is there to fear in life? the imagination of losing someone very close to me is so terrorizing that the thoughts have paralysed me sometimes. but if you've had to face this reality, there's little to haunt you, everyday you live remembering what you've lost. i know that fear in my heart is all love, the more you love the more you anticipate and fear its sudden loss, even though death is not a loss of love.

the terror of the unexpected. it's such a bourgoisie, privileged conception it makes me sick. to actually fear terror is a privilege, it means you can think of it, analyse it, imagine it, avoid it. risk management is the bureacratic formulation of avoiding terror. and we have it down to a science. the scientific, calculated management of terror. when you experience terror i'm sure you can't think of it. i'm sure you don't imagine it, or describe it or fear it. terror just is.

what terror is, i don’t to really know. but i know that it takes on so many forms we cannot define it without using a holistic framework - it's physical and psychological, emotional, real or perceived, its short-term, enduring, calculated, pervasive.

to say terror is a group of people who have also lost loved ones just seems wrong intuitively. we are all vulnerable to terror and deep loss and sadness. when some rich people name it 'terrorism' they are just saying, my loss is more important than yours, my loss is greater than yours, my loss is real loss.

every loss is a real loss and i think that we need to stop counting and making it competitive. living is such a humbling experience and it is beautiful sometimes so i think we need to always bemoan the loss of this life because these moments are the only things we know for sure.

in some ways funerals bring people together. i've seen them restore friendships and unite communities. they allow people to express sincerity, depth, understanding, restore solidarity and hope in life. but they are sad days nonetheless and moreover its how we remember people and their loss after the funeral that matters more.

so in a way this entry is a way for me to open up my fear to the world, let it just be, acknowledge it and realize death is just part of life. i think schools should teach students about death; and not just after the fact. I know nothing can prepare you but to talk about how to deal with it, talk about it as part of life, normalize death. it can't be left to faith and family alone, it's too complex an experience.